The Perfect Storm

8.1.09

Its permanent site announcement day! Its permanent site announcement day! Where we are to be placed for the next two years is to be announced- location- family- picture of our hut. Make Stella stands up to lecture us. I love Make Stella but this woman knows how to make anything last about 2 hours too long. We're all restless.. tapping our toes.. our fingers.... even i am making repetitive noises. Just as I am wrapping my fingers around one of the boy's necks in frustration Chad (assistant country director) stands up and says.. ok go outside. I leap out of my chair- the boys try and stop me from getting outside. We run.

On the ground outside is a map of Swaziland in ropes. 4 regions roped off (Hhoho, schilsiwani (sp?), Manzini, and Lombombo). Tiny numbered flags scattered throughout the regions.

Current pcv's and chad stand together our files in their hands. They shout out numbers and we are led to our numbered flag. Number 17 is called out- I close my eyes and hope this one is mine- 17 my favorite number. Meredith Brooks! I find my flag- I find my region. I am 17. I am Manzini region. I am Nkiligi village. I look around- we all seem so close. Throw some mountains and dirt pathed roads and suddenly we are so far apart. We've spent everyday together for the past 6 weeks. It will be a challenge to give up our routine- each other.

Chad walks over to me- im beaming. "You look happy."He says. "Eight of us spent about 4 hours in a tiny room trying to place all of you. Based on what you asked for and what we think you'd be best at. You told us you wanted to work with teenagers. We agree this is best for you. So your family is quite large- full of teens. The area- Nkiligi- has many many problems with the youth. Gangs, violence, theft, rape. They need your help."Im beaming even more now. " Oh and we tried to find you a homestead that didn't beat their dogs. I hope it works out."

I look out into the woods- I see a season 6 volunteer wandering around- trying hard not to be seen. Every once in a while you see season 6 when they are not here to lecture or mentor us. I ask him why we dont see more of them around. He explains Babe Musa would get angry if current pcv's were hanging out with us before our swear in. "At the one year mark- a lot of us become depressed- frustrated- peace corps is afraid we'll taint your view on the experience here. We are asked that we stay away until you are officially peace corps volunteers."He then asks me about these "" I Phones ". I wonder what technological nonsense i'll miss out on.

Season 6 has told us how close our group is. We don't have cliques- we're one happy family. All incredibly diverse but fitting each other so well. We're all already so sad- knowing in a few weeks we'll be leaving each other.

We are briefed on what to expect the next two years after swear in. The depression, the anxiety that will follow after the first three months. The everyday embarassment and pain of trying to communicate with the Swazis. Swaziland doest not adjust to you- you adjust to Swaziland. After a year adjustment finally sinks in- then you enter the anxiety and depression of re entering the world you left behind. People magazine won't make sense to you anymore. PCMO- who has been here for 9 years- tells us about this wonderful thing where you can sit outside a restaurant and check your email.

There's no employee of the month here- no stars, no promotion, no pat on the back, no bonus at the end of the road. Every mistake, every regret, every concern or worry- every wrong you did to someone- you'll go over and over in your head, you'll pull it all out explore it more analyze it- alone in your hut- you're going to come out of this knowing more about yourself than ever before. A different person.

My biggest fear- isloation-alone.

In a couple of days our counterparts are arriving at our training site. These are Swazis from our permanent communities (Nkiligi for me) that will help plug us into the community. Introduce us to headmasters, the chief, schools, clinics, NGO's, RHM's, Caregivers, etc- It's a very important relationship to have. Your counterpart can make or break your experience based on how motivated they are. After we meet our counterpart we are to go to our permanent site/village for five days to meet our new family and be introduced to those who are important in the village. It is called OJT- in just a few days.

After a long day of "You will be stressed!!!!!!! You will be depressed!!"Some friends and I decide to share a bottle of wine and sleep at their home.

Around 5 in the morning, I get up to do my routine pee break. As I sit/squat, I hear this high pitched sqeeling. I ignore it and think, well this is nature. As I walk away something stops me. It's still dark, im exhausted, cold- but for some reason I turn back. I realize the squeeling is coming from the trash pit. I look down, and there I see the tiniest puppy struggling to be heard. I grab some trash as a barrier and pick her up. I hold her close to my chest to stop her from shivering.

It's still dark and potentially dangerous- but I decide to walk her to my homstead to feed her milk and not wake the others. I reach my house, I walk inside.

Just as I am closing my door, it hits. Enormous balls of hail pour down onto my tin roof. I've never seen hail this big. It's ridiculously loud falling onto the tin roof. The puppy barries herself deep into my arms now. I get into bed, I cover ourselves with blankets. As I lay there craddling this little life- for a moment I realize how perfect this all was. Had I not gotten up to pee at the exact moment I had- the hail for sure would have killed her. Or she and I would have been caught in a hail storm in the dark walking home. Why did it wait until the exact moment when I shut my door?

I layed there with her in my arms. I fantasized- me and the puppy for the next two years- then home together in the States. Suddenly, for a moment, upcoming anxiety depression and isolation didn't seem so bad.

For a moment there- I thought this just might work.